Playing House

[This blog started out as just a reflection of being a nanny, but God took me in new direction!]


I am on Day 3 of playing house...and it has been an interesting experience. I am taking care of Emma(age 6) and Will(age 3). Getting up before dawn...getting both kids dressed and fed...making lunches for school...putting Emma on the bus, and taking Will to daycare...cleaning and laundry never stops...picking them up from school...snacks..dinner...practicing piano...baths...then the bedtime routine-read a book, pray, and tuck in bed. Then, clean again, stay up to do my work, and take a shower and do my quiet time-because I can't get up early enough to do it before I have to get the kids ready. So I end up staying up pretty late, but man do I sleep well!! And for the next 3 days (til Friday), I will be repeating this process, but adding an 8 mo. old baby to the picture. I will have him while Emma and Will are at school.

You know, when I was little, I hated barbies (and really hated when my sister made me play barbies with her...so I would secretly break them). I hated most of the real "girly" stuff. I was a mover and a shaker...making up and acting out plays and concerts in front of imaginary audiences (making sure I got a decent applause, too:) ), playing in the dirt, and always running around. I am positive that when I turned 2, my mom started to go gray. There was one girl thing, though, that I did love to play, and that was "playing house". I loved to be the mom, of course-the boss! My friends would be the kids or the pets, and usually a simple box was our mansion. 20 years later, I am still playing...with upgraded houses, and real children-that cry, laugh and beg for attention. I have been a nanny for 6 years, and what have I learned? Not to have kids of my own for several years. ;) No, but really, God has taught be a lot-especially in the last 4 years of being a nanny/babysitter. Physical things like cooking, cleaning, scheduling, organizing...blah blah blah. But the stuff that matters is how every word and every action that comes out of me has the power to affect the child or children I am caring for negatively or positively.

Parents out there-does that scare you? Do you ever wonder-am I doing a good job at raising my children? Does my child see Jesus in me and all around me, or am I getting in the way? I believe that parents are one of the biggest influences in a child's life(I say "one of" because Jesus can influence a life way more than we humans could even fathom)...the caregiver is also very influential if they have one. I have to admit that sometimes that scares me. Words are so important to me. Just one word or one sentence that someone says to me, I will remember for years. Is the river of life flowing out over and into the children I work with...or, like Jason said (www.fullnessofGod.blogspot.com), am I keeping it to myself? Enjoying my lake with a nice big dam, and charging a good price to enter.

I don't know about y'all, but taking care of children really makes me evaluate my life and what I am living. I want every word and every action to represent Jesus...to be Love. And I am definitely not there. I let myself get in the way too often. Last night, as I was reading some verses and thinking about the day, I got a little frustrated with myself. More times than not, I stay up until the early hours of the morning just working. Not anything important...yes, sometimes I write-reflections of what God is showing me- but many times it is needless stuff that I just dwell on. The future...school...ways to better my finances...and I hate it. But I do it, still. Last night I was too tired, and I think that was God. He showed me how much I am still letting myself get in the way.

In Galatians 5 it says: You have been severed from Christ, you who are seeking to be justified by law; you have fallen from grace. For we through the Spirit, by faith, are waiting for the hope of righteousness. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything, but faith working through love. (v. 4-6 NASB) Now, I may be taking a long shot from this, but this is what God clearly spoke to me about last night...to stop worrying or trying to live "according to the law"...none of this stuff matters. My busy work is not worth it. That time is better spent with Jesus. He is all that matters...and being Him to others is the biggest thing I can do in this life. I don't have to worry about filling my summer up since I am not going back to India, because as long as I am filling all my time with Him, my summer will fill up fast. And I will enjoy it. It is only when I let myself get in the way that I start getting frustrated and tired.

I long to be a rushing river, full of Love and Life...all can come and enjoy the ride!! Bring on the rapids! (Please read Jason's blog at www.fullnessofGod.blogspot.com and it will give an explanation of this. Jason was right on!!)

Message

After I wrote that post, I listened to Jason’s message from Sunday night…please listen to it. It is about an hour long, but please find time to listen…. http://www.river-stone.org/Message.nowisee.htm

You Never Let Go...

It may be miles and miles before the journey's clear
There may be rivers... may be oceans of tears
But the very hand that shields your eyes from understanding
Is the hand that will be holding you for miles…

One moment someone whispers thank you…
Just then another heart cries, "how could you?"
When Jesus, who sees us He says, "I hear you…
"I'm near you…"

And the very hand that shields your eyes from understanding
Is the hand that will be holding you
for miles…
"Miles" by Nichole Nordeman, and if you have not heard it, I suggest checking it out. Go to http://www.myspace.com/nicholenordeman1


Such powerfully true words. Understanding is the most sought after thing in our culture. Understanding how we came to be…understanding why he got the job and not you…understanding why we can't look more beautiful…or why we even need a degree. (Okay, maybe that last one is just me:) ) Would you agree if I said that 'why' is the most asked question among us people…and often times, the most left-unanswered question we ask? We crave understanding…and it frustrates us when we do not have it. Then, someone writes a book…and develops tests for us to take to understand who we are and what is best for us, and suddenly we have discovered ourselves. These tests are all over the place…personality tests…career placement tests…and of course the famous : "Will he make a good husband" or "Are you sexy?"

It's embarrassing to admit that I practically lived for taking those quizzes and tests through most of my high school years. Not trusting my Father, but rather figuring out life on my own. Arrogance...and it is shameful. Understanding…all of us are continuously searching for it. I would say even more than wealth and happiness. After all, doesn't understanding lead to that? (That was a bit of sarcasm, by the way.)

It's especially difficult when things start to go really gray in our lives. Lost job… financial hardships…God calling us to another place-away from everything and everyone we know–perhaps even another country…betrayal of a friend…the death of your child –or your wife…the doctor telling you 6 months is all you have left to share with your children and husband. Oh-how life can hit us. And most of the time, we aren't expecting it. And even if we did see it coming, it doesn't make it any easier. We cannot see why…and we cannot see what will become of us…or all that is around us. There is another song that comes to mind: "This Road" by Ginny Owens. The chorus says this:

From here I can not see why you'd choose this path for me
but I don't have to understand to believe
that you know why this road
why this way and this loadyou know how far I must go
till I see
till I know why…this road

No one understood why Jesus had to die on the cross. I can't imagine what Jesus' friends felt…what his mother, Mary, felt. There was nothing they could do. They knew it was God's Will and that it had to be fulfilled…but why? Jesus' answer to this question is one I will never let leave my heart now that my eyes have read His words:

Jesus replied, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant will also be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.

"Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your Name!" (John 12:23-28)

We will never have to endure what Jesus Christ endured for us, nor will we ever know or understand how much was paid for us. We will go through difficult times, though –times that we cannot see past our anger and hurt…when we long for understanding. That is a normal part of being a Christ-follower. And the beauty of it all, is the understanding that Grace has already saved us. That whatever is going on in our lives, we will one day understand. And while we are made blind, "the very hand that shields our eyes from understanding, is the hand that will hold us for miles." He knows why…for it was for this very reason you are in the place you are. It may be miles and miles before the puzzle pieces begin to come together…and you can ask why! Jesus hears you…and will draw near to you.

Thank you, Jesus, for bringing me to this hour. Thank you, Jesus, for seeing my hurt and drawing me nearer to you. Like you did for the blind man(john 9), you bring your healing on us everyday. Thank you for holding me through these attacks. There are so many attacks, but you have given me more joy than I ever thought I could taste. Father, glorify your name!

One last song…

Even Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear.
And even though I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back, I know you are near..

And I will fear no evil, for my God is with me.
And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear??

Chorus
Oh no, You never let go, through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go in every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me.

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on,
And there will be an end to these troubles,
but until that day comes
Still I will praise you, still I will praise you!
(Matt Redman)

Psalms

Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

Psalm 34:9-14

All who are thirsty...

On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, come and drink of me."

Wow. The boldness of Jesus Christ. That one verse is such a beautiful picture of our Lord.

If anyone is thirsty, come and drink of me... A lot of the people Jesus was addressing didn't get what he meant by drinking and eating of him. Thoughts like, cannibalism or 'he's a crazy-man' probably went through their minds. What was he talking about? They could not get past the literal sense...they couldn't see beyond their comprehension.

Perhaps it is my childhood Baptist upbringing that causes me to use illustrations, but I always seem to have one for everything that I go through in life. So, here's the latest. I promise all of this will wrap together...

Recently I have felt so drained of life. It's hard to get up and do stuff, difficult to even spend time with the people I love, simply because I am just emotionally and physically tired and dried up. So, after talking with Jason and Holly (one of my pastors and his wife, thank you Jesus for them) on Sunday, it was confirmed that I needed to fast. Not from food...from friends and family...just my "life" here in San Marcos. I desperately needed alone time with God. On Monday, I had a little alone time, before my phone started ringing and my day started to fill up. That little time I had with my King only left me wanting and needing more. I feel like a lawn that has not seen rain in years. I am just soaking up the Spirit right now. So, when I woke up this morning, I turned off my phone and grabbed my Bible. I went to the kitchen table, prayed, and started reading. God took me all over the Bible...story after story. But, it wasn't until I opened my laptop and began writing (or typing) that I realized what I had been doing for so long and why I was now left so dry.

This is the picture I see in my head: See, everyday we go to the Well, the Fountain...our Father, our God...and we fill up. We drink of the Spirit and we become full on Him alone. He fills us with His wisdom and His love and His strength...that we can overflow into others' lives. But say one day we are too tired to go to the Well, but we still overflow into others. The next day, we do the same, too tired or just forgetting to go fill up. Day after day we continue this. Still living in the Spirit, still following Christ, still overflowing the love and strength of Christ into others' lives...until one day we ourselves come up dry. Because we have been focusing too much on giving to others that we have neglected our own spiritual well-being. We feel used up, dry. Others come to us for wisdom and strength and comfort, but we sadly have to turn away because there are no drops left in us to give away. Am I making any sense?

And you know what? I have just been thinking about what I said one day to a friend of mine...that I was emotionally, physically, and spiritually tired. Spiritually tired?? That to me is an oxymoron. I don't think one can ever be tired of or burned out on God...on our spiritual life. I think when I said that, I didn't really think about what I was talking about. Sure, we can get burned out on work and school, and even stuff we are doing for the church and the people we love....but it's not because we are burned out on God. We are burned out on the doing. We are stripped of energy because we forget to keep going to the Well for strength, and we start to try to do it on our own water supply...which soon dries up.

When we only pour out and never fill back up, not only do we become dry, but we run out of strength as well as desire. God is always available for us to come and drink. Today, a friend reminded me of a verse...psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart... This is what she said about that verse, and I am very much in agreeance with her words:

I think people so many times misread it that God will give you all you desire. I look at it

this way. If you delight in the Lord, He will become the desire of your heart (above all

else). That is what I see going on in your life right now. Delighting in God daily, moment by

moment until All else fades and He is ALL.

Why is it that we think we can handle things on our own...or that we can't know true fulfillment of our desires in Christ alone? Don't get me wrong-fellowship with our family (church and blood family) and friends is very healthy and recommended for yours and my spiritual walk. I experience God everytime I am with my friends...He is all around me, everywhere. But, I need my alone time with Him even more than time with friends and family. Through the gospels, there are several instances when Jesus went to a solitary place...why? To fill up! He preached and comforted and healed and brought people back from the dead and out of diseases-daily...He could not afford to come up dry. And neither can we. Survival...joy...life is found in the Fountain. In Jesus Christ alone.

My question for you is this: Have you been going to the Well to fill up daily, or is your well running dry? Or maybe you've never tasted of this Fountain of living water and the things you desire seem to only drain you and leave you feeling dry and used up.

Jesus said, 'if anyone is thirsty, come and drink of me.' Do this, and you will live.